I Am So Not a Morning Person

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming book called:

Pushing Open Doors

I love playing with baby koalas, after spending the morning hiking the Overland Track in Tasmania. After which, I’ll spend time quietly reciting Rudyard Kipling’s: “If”, as I walk towards the most wonderful group of friends. The feeling of the soft, cold blades of grass teasingly tickling my bare feet. Gently reminding me of that perfect afternoon in May, which I spent juggling on the grounds of the Łazienki Park, in Warsaw.  I bring my foot forward, adjusting for my club’s slightly erroneous trajectory, it rotates perfectly, landing in the patiently awaiting crook of my right hand.

I come to, now reaching my friends. They smile. I place the tray of glasses, and pitcher of watermelon jalapeño mojito nimbly onto the plaid-blanket. My mind drifts away, under the September Sun, and I wake, finding myself in a three-way with Lady Gaga and Ryan Reynolds. Her smooth, sensual voice, and his comforting, long…wait…what is that incessant and insurmountable cacophonous misery? I hit “End Call”: leaving Gagaloo and Ryan suspended in the disappointing dimension that is standard 2-way calling. EHRNN EHRNN EHRNN! What the – ? ERHNN ERHNN ERHNN!

As my eyes peel open. My eyebrows furrow. I let out an indistinct moan. It’s like I can see the sunlight penetrate the glass of my window. It creeps in through the cracks of the curtains, in slow, menacing darts. It hits the tiny cells on the surface of my cornea. Between slow, defeated blinks, I can see I am lost in a parade of blankets, pillows, and limbs (sometimes tails).

Of course, I establish my physical position, in relation to the rest of the universe that is the bedroom. I try to move my entire being, but I weigh at least 6-times what I remember weighing when I went to sleep. Instead, I just wring my neck, find my phone, and hit snooze. 6:02 AM.

Back come the Koalas, then poetry, then juggling clubs, with toilet parks, watermelon jalapeño mojitos, plaid-blankets and salubrious phone chats with beautiful celebrities. I can fly, I can run faster than light, rob banks, cheat casinos, and someone does my meal-prep for me! It is the most amazing land. It is not defined by any rules. There is no sense of time. No right or wrong. No rhyme or reason. It is blissful, imaginative, and ultimately primal. I finish laying down a track with my man JT. Forthwith We’re all smiles, and good vibes. We play it back, our heads bounce, our bodies dance, and the sounds taste as good as the food sounded when you were hungry and your mom told you what’s for dinner. Mm dinner. I slowly notice a hunger building.

Again, my eyes open. The slight hunger has quickly evolved to a feeling of helpless starvation. That pit-in-your-stomach feeling. Reluctant to move, of fear that I will make it worst: I locate my phone. F***! 10:45 AM. How did this happen? AGAIN? I slide out from under…wait what was her name again? Whatever. I’m LATE. Boxers up, pants on, socks too. Should have done socks first. Have to pee. Can I walk out shirtless? No, roommate is scurrying about. Don’t want to scare him with my perfectly erect nipples, bloated-pee-filled-morning-belly or lack of expected socially-compliant politeness. Shirt on. Have to pee. Hunger hits me like a truck. On comes a sudden headache. I feel like 10 pounds of shit in a 5 pound bag. Cell phone? Check. Wallet? Check. Condom? Sigh. Check. I’m such an idiot. I run out of the bedroom, towards the front door, with a passing “Hey, nice to meet you roommate, okay bye!”. Mornings can really suck.

Potential Practical solutions:

  • Take the first step, sit-up, and don’t lie back down, aim to get out of bed within 30 seconds;
  • Never hit snooze;
  • Use a blue light for 10-15 mins in the morning when sitting at laptop or phone.
  • Use an app (smart alarm clock, for example) that will choose when to wake you;
  • In order to wake up earlier, start waking a little earlier each day, in 5-15 minute intervals;
  • Take a 5-minute cold shower upon waking.

Potential Philosophical Solutions:

  • Find something in life that you would wake up to do, feeling amazing, everyday, even if nobody paid you to;
  • Create some accountability;My book will be available here in December 2018.