Have you been in the confines of the hellish place that is depression? Do you know of anyone who has sealed their fate with one final, fatal, unalterable action? Successfully completing suicide? This note is dedicated to all of those we’ve lost. It is an attempt to prevent of any more loss of life.
The following is a letter I wrote in 2014.
I was in a dark place. A place that a lot of my creative friends know only too well. A place some of them decided not to leave. For a few weeks now, I’ve contemplated sharing this publicly. I’ve decided to share it with you here today, because I might change my mind tomorrow. If even one of you can identify with the pain, the suffering and the darkness. Maybe you’ll feel less alone. You could start to feel good, or maybe at least feel different. If even one of you decides suicide might not be the answer, it’ll make my fear of being vulnerable justified.
If you’re in a place where you can read this and say: “Wow, what a morose, melodramatic young person. Hasn’t had to work a hard day’s work in his life. I don’t get it. Kids these days.” I laugh along with you, and appreciate your perspective. I do have a flair for the dramatic, and I tend to take myself a little to seriously sometimes. Nevertheless, hindsight is 20\20. Suicide however, is not.
If you’d like something a little lighter to read today: click here.
September 24th 2014 – 1:51 AM-Unedited
“What is it that makes us wonder? What is it that makes us human? That thirst for curiosity? The insatiable desire to know more? To learn more? To be in the loop? Even if we know it might kill us? What brings us to want to know how? To know why? To know when? Isn’t this enough? This silly, stupid little world we call home. Full of intricacies, disasters and natural phenomena of an insurmountable level. Yet we crave the storm. We crave the eye of the hurricane. We want to see people fall. We want to see people hurt. We want to see people die.
We’re all blood thirsty. Waiting for a violence to engulf us. To surround us. To consume us. We want blood. We want hatred. We want the end. Before the beginning. We seek the answer before we can even begin to comprehend the question.
I look around me, in my solemn and lonely despair and all I can see is more people just like me. My whole life I dedicated to transporting people from one reality and letting them experience another. I spent countless hours developing the perfect way to lead people to seeing a world with a little less sorrow. A little less misery. I infested my life, with an investment to the art of mystery. The art of deception. Not the evil kind. The friendly kind.
The most frequent thing I hear is, oh you do magic? That’s cute. Show us a little trick. Do something for us. Dance monkey dance. The whole essence of my being hasn’t been to mislead people in a way as to gain some unfair or irreparable advantage. Rather a way to guide people to smile, laugh, enjoy, and share more moments. More real moments. All of us are swallowed by a technological era that is evolving faster than I think we are ready to keep up with, and faster than we are ready to accept. I have gained so many wonderful, beautiful and magnificent friends on my journey towards being a leader, a showman, an entertainer.
All I have to show for it is a pocket full of tricks, a wardrobe full of clothing, a silent desire for more. More of what though? More emptiness?
Arthur Erickson once said that “Illusion is needed to disguise the emptiness within…”.
Why do we choose to look at the empty. Why do we choose to look at the despair? Why do we crave the worst in everyone? When something is bad for us we want and need more of it. The only sign that things will get better is the sign that things are ending. And with that, I think the time has come to end it all. But how? With one sudden act? One last mystery? One last great deception? Perhaps that’s what I crave. The knowledge that I’ve somehow gained one, won one, pulled a fast one on the group of desolate and miserable lunatics that have lead me to the path that I have finally arrived at.”
If you read all that, and identified with any of it, even remotely: I’m sorry. If you’re feeling suicidal, please just give it one more day. Go reach out for help. You can call someone right now. Talk with someone. A friend. A professional. Even a pet. You can do it on the phone, on the web or a number of other ways.
I am so happy to be alive. I am incredibly grateful for all the challenges, the experiences and moments I’ve survived.
If I’d decided to end my life, any one of the many times it crossed my mind, knowing what I know now, it would have been an irrational decision; a mistake. So just breathe. Find one thing you’re grateful for and stay curious.
If you’re in Canada and need help visit: https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/
In loving memory of: